I’ve been feeling a little icky with myself lately. And when I say “lately” I mean like, the last I don’t know six months or so. I used to be one of those mad people who go to the gym and run like a hamster on the treadmill, happily plugging away to Sk8ter Boi (my all time favourite running song) and madly, insanely, enjoying it.
But six months ago, I hurt my knee and it grew to the size of a melon. For days. I’m not shitting you. And it wasn’t the first time either, because the first time I was young and stubborn enough to get back on the treadmill despite advice from physiotherapists. This time, granted I am like so much older, I thought I’d pay attention otherwise who knows, my hip might go next.
This is where you can call me insane, but guys, cardio workouts are addictive. I’ve tried to ignore the fact that I no longer get my hit on the treadmill. The incredible adrenalin high and sense of achievement after each and every run. I’ve tried boxing which I loved but was way too expensive, and I’ve tried to get into yoga, which in all honesty isn’t so bad but it’s. not. the. same. And I’ve really tried to convince myself that even without cardio, I’m not gonna get fat.
And I say this while I stuff my face with two dozen Beard Papa vanilla cream puffs.
I went to the doctor’s last week and it appears I’ve gained a not-insignificant amount of weight since the last weigh-in six months ago. A mere coincidence? I fathom not. And while I would never, not in this life time give up my culinary habits, because honest to god I would rather shoot myself than be on a “diet”, I reasoned that maybe, just maybe, I could eat healthier!
So right after the doctor’s appointment, it was lunch time. And check out the restraint on this baby. I would have given my right pinky toe for baked eggs ~ the perfect accompaniment to the cold grey gloom and a suitable reward for the fact that I’d just been stabbed with a flu needle, but no. No. I had…
… a goddamn EAT “superfood salad”.
For effin’ realz I did.
What the heck is a superfoods salad? Beats me. But the box says it has: beetroot, peas, broccoli, muki beans, goats cheese, sweet potato, spinach, mung beans, seeds and nuts. And a weird, semi-smelly dressing.
I mean, you’d really hope something that like burned calories while you ate it huh because honestly, why else would you?! Anyway, whatever, I did. And even though it looked more appetising out of its sad cardboard box and in my pretty little handcrafted wooden bowl, it tasted pretty bland.
Individually each salad item didn’t sound so bad. In fact, I quite like all of them, but maybe like as a side to a giant lamb roast or something like that. But all together, as an entire meal, it’s just wrong.
So it took me all of about 30 minutes to embrace my new “weight” and even though we’re far from being friends (because yes I do still plan to kill it at some stage), we are at least on the same side of this war we’re waging against the King of Superbland and his supersalad army.
ps: don’t anyone tell me they actually enjoy this salad. What the F is wrong with you?!
pps: I think the only bit I did mildly enjoy was the goats cheese but erm, I think that’s like the only unhealthy part of the whole thing.
Stores all over London, too many, in fact.