Sam

He’s so cute, he’s so cute, he’s so cute, he’s SO CUTE. This is the mantra I have to repeat over and over to myself when it’s 5am and we’ve been up playing for a good five hours and somebody just doesn’t want to go back to sleep. That’s right, we’ve been bitten by the bug, the nasty 18 month sleep regression bug. Before I go on, I should warn you that this post is likely to contain language that is not suitable for anyone under the age of 18, or easily offended by my potty mouth. Proceed with caution!

So. Google 18 month sleep regression and you’ll get a solid number of hits telling you that it’s (a) the biggest pain in the fucking ass you’ll probably ever have to endure as a parent and (b) it’s totally normal. Point (a) I drink to. It’s 100% true. Point (b) I say, fuck you too. No normal person, big or small, stays up this energetically without the assistance of drugs or caffeine. Go screw yourself.

We’ve been hit big time with this regression. Most of what I’ve read, and people I’ve spoken to, tell me that their toddler is up for “a few hours” each night. Maybe it’s because we’ve not had to endure any of the other (less catastrophic) regressions (they happen at predictable ages, usually 4 months, 9 months, 12 months – all linked to developmental milestones) and Sam is rolling them all into one for good measure, but we have a child who goes down for a couple of hours initially then is up For The Rest Of The Night. What do I mean by the rest of the night? Literally, he’s up from midnight or so and doesn’t burn out again until around 6am. That’s all well and good in the life of Little Sam, who can then snooze at home / at daycare all day. But mummy and daddy? Try working a full day on an hours’ sleep. I tell you, this is way worse than having a new born.

The 18 month regression is usually linked to cognitive development, they say. Around this time, you see a spike in their vocabulary, their mental associations (cause and effect etc), their general understanding of everything. Now, the 12 month regression is supposedly linked to mental development but also to the ability to walk. And since Sam is a slow walker (he’s only just grasped the concept a couple of weeks ago) I think we have a doozy of 12 month and 18 month regression rolled into one. HUZZAH, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Some websites tell you that the reason your toddler is up (and happy, mind you, not crying, just wanting to play) is because they are SO EXCITED. It’s apparently much like what we, normal functioning sleeping adults, would feel when something exciting is happening the next day. We wake up and we let our thoughts wander there and ah shit, now we can’t stop thinking about it and can’t get back to sleep. But thank god for our mums they don’t live with us any more so we don’t get to hassle them to wake up and be excited with us.

So with Sam’s new vocab and walking thing, I’m assuming his thought process is a bit like this:

Elmo!
Up!
Out!
Blue!
Um!
Off!
walk walk walk walk walk
Ball!
Peppa!
WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK
Turtle!
More!
No more!
I CAN WALK WALK WALK WALK WALK
Mama? Mama?
MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!
MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!!
MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!!!!

He doesn’t cry. He just stands in his cot and screams. We can leave him for over an hour. He just screams. We play with him and try and put him back down. He just screams. THERE IS NO AVOIDING THE SCREAMING. Sometimes by some miracle, I do manage to get him back down. Then less than one sleep cycle later? MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA. I die.

I swear to you, I spend the wee hours of the morning calculating how long it would take me to get dressed and bundle him up and take him to the Red Cross bin. Then I slap myself and remind myself he’s so cute when he’s not being a fucking nightmare. Sometimes I try and lie on his floor while he plays but he just comes and pokes at my head and says “Up!”.

Who is this pint-sized asshole????

They say it’ll pass. But will it pass in this life time? I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself dishing out a big serve of self pity at the moment (and I’m not saying this to get any pity, it’s just facts) because life has been beyond hectic since the start of April. First Panu was away for a week (and any parent will tell you, life sucks when the other parent is away). Then I had gastro for a week. Then Sam was sick and hospitalised (don’t even have the energy to go into detail here but read: I didn’t sleep for a week). Then I had the flu, bronchitis and asthma which just now I’m starting to shake off. Oh hey and I’m 24 weeks pregnant.

FML.

Everyone I speak to says I must rest more. I don’t even know what ‘rest’ looks like any more. I actually laughed when my GP told me to rest. How? I implore. SHOW ME HOW.

This bitch of an 18 month sleep regression is meant to last about a month. Like, seriously. A month. We’re only one week in so maybe you know, if you see me go strangely quiet on social platforms, you’ll know I haven’t survived it. But if I do live to tell the tale, I’ll probably sound just like everyone else: “Hang in there, it’ll pass”.

Let’s bloody well hope so.

4 Thoughts on “18 month sleep regression, you motherf*****

  1. Mel on May 4, 2015 at 4:43 pm said:

    Oh Cat!! Well even if you are not looking for it I will give you pity as I remember being in a very similar position not too long ago…whilst working as an anaylst of all things lol, it passes just in time for the second (& omg congratulations!!) to take over and ensure we never ever sleep again – I am sure they come out with a special bond to make life as difficult as possible but they are SSSOOO cute xx

  2. Leon on May 4, 2015 at 7:51 pm said:

    omg- that sounds terrible Cat ^.^

    Even “tricks” like driving etc wont get him to sleep????

  3. Oh dear…NOT looking forward to this! But like I said, mini-human’s been iffy with sleep ever since teeth. I shall brace myself for words.

  4. Oh dear, that’s no good! Plus getting gastro and Sam in hospital and asthma! Wish I could be there to help you pl. stay strong ok? You can do it!

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